Monday last week, we had an appointment to watch our little one in real time in my belly in 3D. It was very exciting and a little nerve racking since the doctor also checked if there are any problems regarding the development and organs of the baby. As soon as I saw the little one on the big screen I was fascinated and in love. Every time we were able to watch it in 3D I checked the face, feet and hands. It is so cute. I mean although we were able to see it in 3D I could not really imagine how it looks like. You see a baby but the outlines are still a little blurry. Still you get a great impression. Our little one had its hands in front of the face so it was difficult to see the face. The doctor tried his best, poking my belly and pushing really deep into my belly that it hurt and a tiny tear developed in my right eye because of the pain but I just tried to stick with and enjoy the wonderful moment. Due to all the excitement the little one got hiccups for the first. Too cute. The doctor declared that it is a girl and everything is fine with her. We were so relieved and happy. D. had said to me some days before that he feels more like a girl’s dad which I find very lovely. I do not have any preferences. I take it as it is and a girl is just as wonderful as a boy. I just want our little one to be healthy and happy. It is exciting and still scary. At times I am a little afraid of the huge responsibility but at the same time I feel that I can do it, that we can do it. I am curious and excited about how D. and I will grow as a team.
There is a lot going on in my head currently. It is good to have some time to reflect on certain things but I need to prevent myself from thinking too much.
Yesterday, I started meditating in the mornings and this morning it felt quite good. No tears, no huge hurt. A little hurt and I think I found the reason where the surprising hurt comes from. It is the collected pain for all the years I have grown up without being loved and accepted for the person I am. Yesterday, when I started meditating it felt like strong, sticky, glue in all my cells. It hurt. I woke up this morning thinking that I knew this pain from somewhere. I have felt it already and then I remembered that it was the pain I felt when I lost my first big love. When I found that out I felt a little relieved because it was familiar. I know it will take some time to heal but eventually it gets better. I am just glad that I found the words to express the feeling. It helps me to be able to cope with it.
For years this pain was inside of me, hidden, suppressed. No wonder it is that strong.
Anyway, I am trying to get to the roots of my problems by trying some things. I have recently read some books about meditation, nutrition, diets, yoga and the like to get more insight into the holistic approach. I feel that since I have Hashimoto that my body is reacting differently to certain foods, drinks, emotionally demanding situations. I feel that if my immune system is not strong enough it has stronger negative effects on my mental system.
I have read Crazy Sexy Diet and have to say that the lady is very convincing and I am hoping that I will feel better as I stick to her recommendations. I have read a few books so far and it is astonishing how many parallels can be found in different books and approaches. It makes me feel more certain giving the change a try although I will take it slowly since I am pregnant and do not want to stress myself too much. “Stressed mom, stressed baby”, a quote from John Medina’s Brain Rules for Baby. An awesome book which every person expecting a child should read or listen to. It is fun and scientific and most of all fun!
Exactly on week ago, I did some yoga in the morning to make my shoulders and neck ache less and feel less pressured. There was one part in that course where you should think yourself to a place where you feel good and safe and promise your baby in your belly to take it to this place some day. I saw us three walking through the grass, the streets and watching the sunset. One single tear started to appear and went down my face when the meditation was over. Later, I sat on the bed chatting with D. and a friend when the baby started to kick and play and all of a sudden I found myself crying. There were lots of tears running down my face. I put the computer aside, looked out of the window, on my belly and just enjoyed this huge feeling. I cried of happiness, of being able to feel these emotions and to feel this kind of warmth, love and happiness. I am so thankful that this is actually happening to me. All of a sudden, the tears stopped and I felt a huge relief.
I have not been working for almost two weeks because I felt too stressed and the doctor told me to relax and stay at home. On Monday, I felt like going back to work and see my colleagues and friends again. They were happy to see me, too. I talked to one of them about how we shall proceed and we talked for some time, I tried to explain the situation inside of me. Then he asked me if I started working again, would I do it for them or for me. My answer was: for them. He told me as friend to not do it because I will end up where I was before. When my words came out of my mouth, I suddenly knew I had quit and that it was the truth that I had already felt but did not want to believe. Tears came up, I was mad and disappointed thinking that I had to start searching again for what I want to do. Tears still came up while I walked home, my body filled with sadness. I stayed with this feeling, watched myself and all of a sudden there it was again. The feeling of huge relief. It might not be the easier decision but it was the right one. I am honest with them and most importantly with myself.
It was later in the evening when I realized that I just had experienced two different, even emotionally opposite situations in which tears went down my face resulting in total relief.
I finally managed to write my first blog post on this blog. It has taken some time. I already have another blog but it did not work out for me. There is much more going on in my life than just food. Well, food is a huge part I have to admit but that is not everything. There is actually more.
I am becoming a mother which is a huge thing for me. I would have never expected this to happen. I mean it was intended to happen but when it actually happened it was still a huge surprise. I remember sitting in the bathroom and looking at the two blue stripes, checking again if I remembered correctly that this actually means I am pregnant, then saying to myself, “I am pregnant.” Still shaking my head in disbelief. The whole day my boyfriend and I laid in bed being quiet most of the time and just waiting for the wonderful news to sink in. At the end of the day, we both were not sure if the news had just arrived that very morning or even the day before, the day just felt that long to us.
We thought that I was in the 6th week but my doctor said it might already be the 8-10th week since it is quite big already. When I saw the little one on screen for the first time, it looked like a little kidney bean but I just wanted to put my hands around it and remembered thinking “I will protect you.” Right from that moment I felt love growing inside of me.
There were not many signs of pregnancy actually only that food made me feel like gagging. The only thing that felt okay with me was plain food like baby food and that was when I became suspicious. Slowly, my belly started growing, but very slowly at first. Then sometimes I looked really pregnant and the next morning the belly was totally gone. Right now, I am in the 20th week and the belly is there and stays there. People on the streets notice that I am pregnant and look at me/us smiling. It is funny how friendly people are when they see a pregnant woman but wait until the baby is out…
Since Monday June 18th, I have felt the little one for the first time actually being sure that it hit me. I might have felt it about a month earlier when I was at the office. I head my headphones on and was concentrated when I felt something poking me at the same place twice with the same strength. But it was so light and little that I was not quite sure. Now the movements are way stronger, still light though and I sometimes feel the whole body move inside. Some days ago it hit some organs and bones I think because my body hurt in parts I have never felt anything before and when I poke back a little and try to push it away a little the pain is gone. I also had my first interaction. I had not felt it the whole day and lay on my back shaking my hips a little. Shortly after that I got a poke. I did the same thing again and it poked again. Then my boyfriend put his hand on my belly, I shook again and it poked another time. It was so funny. The little one sometimes tickles me. It makes me laugh and giggle.
It is the most beautiful time I have ever felt in my life. I am very calm, watching every day how things develop, how I grow into my new role with my excitement and fear, worries and laughter. It feels like the memories of my childhood when I was about 3 to 4 years old. Those were my days of sunshine and calm and happiness. Although memory is very selective of course. But this is how it feels to me.