Tears

Exactly on week ago, I did some yoga in the morning to make my shoulders and neck ache less and feel less pressured. There was one part in that course where you should think yourself to a place where you feel good and safe and promise your baby in your belly to take it to this place some day. I saw us three walking through the grass, the streets and watching the sunset. One single tear started to appear and went down my face when the meditation was over. Later, I sat on the bed chatting with D. and a friend when the baby started to kick and play and all of a sudden I found myself crying. There were lots of tears running down my face. I put the computer aside, looked out of the window, on my belly and just enjoyed this huge feeling. I cried of happiness, of being able to feel these emotions and to feel this kind of warmth, love and happiness. I am so thankful that this is actually happening to me. All of a sudden, the tears stopped and I felt a huge relief.

I have not been working for almost two weeks because I felt too stressed and the doctor told me to relax and stay at home. On Monday, I felt like going back to work and see my colleagues and friends again. They were happy to see me, too. I talked to one of them about how we shall proceed and we talked for some time, I tried to explain the situation inside of me. Then he asked me if I started working again, would I do it for them or for me. My answer was: for them. He told me as friend to not do it because I will end up where I was before. When my words came out of my mouth, I suddenly knew I had quit and that it was the truth that I had already felt but did not want to believe. Tears came up, I was mad and disappointed thinking that I had to start searching again for what I want to do. Tears still came up while I walked home, my body filled with sadness. I stayed with this feeling, watched myself and all of a sudden there it was again. The feeling of huge relief. It might not be the easier decision but it was the right one. I am honest with them and most importantly with myself.

It was later in the evening when I realized that I just had experienced two different, even emotionally opposite situations in which tears went down my face resulting in total relief.

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