I remember when I saw the two stripes on the pregnancy test and thought, “Ok, I am actually pregnant. It works.” I was happy, surprised, confused, worried at the same time. My thoughts were racing around all the things that would change.
Now, I am still a little worried in some tiny moments but most of all I am excited and happy to have a man on my side who will support me as much as he can that is for sure. He has proven it already.
The most beautiful moments are those when I feel the baby move, when she pushes my bladder, shows me her knee, hands and feet through the belly. She got quite powerful. The first time there was just a hint of a push which I could rarely feel in May, then I felt like someone was nudging me from inside twice in June or July and now you can see the surface of my belly jump from time to time because she loves to kick me. Since yesterday or even the day before I felt her deep down which was new to me and today my doctor confirmed that she is already with her head down. It might change again though.
I am excited about how she will look like and how she will be. Right now, she is quite fond of food and gets active as soon as I sit or lay still. It is beautiful to wake up in the morning and feel her first movement for the day as though we are waking up together. Right now, that I am writing these lines I get some very soft kicks from her. I sometimes just want to put my arms around my belly and kiss her endlessly. I never thought I could feel so much love although she is still in my belly and we have not even met in person yet. What an experience!
I am in a phase of figuring out what to do as a profession in my life. I have many skills which sometimes makes it difficult for me to just stick to one of them and gain some expertise. I have a lot of time these days to stroll around thinking about my life and future. Slowly, an idea is forming in my head which makes me smile and warms my heart. I am careful not too be too excited before I have not figured out how to get there and if it is indeed the thing I want to do but so far it just grows and feels so right. Like in a love relationship where there is continuous growth. This is how it feels like for me right now. I will do some deeper research and try to get as much information as possible in order to figure out which direction would be fitting best for me and brings me further.
It is funny but somehow it has been in front of me for quite some time but there needed to be some development before I could actually grasp it. Let’s see where it will lead me this time.
I find myself feeling very uncomfortable and having the tendency to defend myself and “barking back” as soon as someone is criticizing me. It is very difficult for me to just take it and admit that I am making mistakes or am not always acting perfectly and have my weaknesses. It was very hard for me some time ago but I got more aware of the fact that the louder and aggressively I used to bark back the more I felt caught and tried to squirm free of it. Today, I managed to just take the criticism and accepting and agreeing to it. It was difficult and at some points it hurt and I even felt the urge to shout back and make the other person see that she does the same sometimes but I swallowed it because it was not about the other person. It was about me and it was good to have her holding a mirror in front of my face. I do a lot of self-reflecting but it is different to have someone tell you about how you appear to the outside world. It makes it more real and more intense and therefore even forces you to open your eyes and confront yourself. Thank you for this lesson!