When I started this blog I thought about what I would want to share on it and could not quite figure it out. As a kid I used to write diaries partly on a daily basis. Somehow I stopped doing that when I got older. My hubby showed me 750words.com and I really liked it at first but it serves a different cause. I used to write a different blog which was mainly about food, life and photos. It was nice but it did not feel authentic enough to me so I decided to stop blogging for a while. After some time it tickled in my fingers and I thought again that I would really go back to blogging but this time not thinking I want to get many readers and how I would get them. I just wanted a space where I write down my thoughts and experiences, perhaps adding some pictures to it perhaps not. I am still not finished with who I am and perhaps will never be but I am on a good way it feels like. There are days when I am sad, angry, confused. There are days when I am surprised how lovely life is, how happy I am, how much I love to feel the way I feel. I want to capture these thoughts and emotions because they might help me to understand myself better. There is a lot going on in my head. My life has been quite tough many times. But right now, I love my life. I feels like I am in love with my life for the first time in a long time and I appreciate it. I want it to stay that way forever.
To get to the point, there is no special theme for this blog. There is a golden thread though which is my life and that is perfectly enough for me because there is a lot to tell.
It is amazing how time flies. But I am not complaining because I enjoy every little moment with this baby in me. She has taught me so many things and has made me grow so much already. I am looking forward to meet her, to be able to snuggle and kiss her.
Her movements have changed a lot during the time I first felt her move until now. The first time I felt her I was at work listening to Hawaiian music over my headphones and translating some text. All of a sudden, there was this hint of a movement which felt like a gas bubble but not quite. And there it happened a second time at the same spot. Some kind of warmth filled my body and I caught myself smiling and feeling love. Then my brain set in and I was not quite sure if I had just mistaken gases for her first movements. I am quite sure by now that it was her. Her movements felt a little stronger after a while. I did not feel them regularly at first. I never had this butterfly kind of feeling that is often described. Right from the beginning it felt like someone poking me – very light at first but getting stronger gradually. Her movements reached a climax in September regarding the speed and strength. Sometimes it felt as if she quickly kicked one foot after the other like quickly stomping. Then there are kicks which make my whole body shake. Since two or three days her movements are still strong but got way slower like in slow motion. Sometimes she pokes out her butt or a knee or foot. I feel her head and arms move in my pelvis although my belly has still not sunken yet. Once in a while it feels like she is making some bubbles which I feel in my pelvis. This is something I cannot grasp but it tickles and is just sweet.
She likes to punch back when her space gets limited, e.g. when her daddy pushes his nose into the belly or when I have my hand on my belly. She seems to react to our touch a lot. She often gets hiccups when I drink or eat something. At first I thought that she is kicking me but I figured that she cannot have that much sense of rhythm at least not for such a long period of time.
Three weeks ago I went to my doctor with my hubby. She did an ultrasound so we could see the baby again. There was a moment when we saw her head and part of her breast. I felt her move all of a sudden and on the screen appeared her little foot in front of her mouth. This was hilarious. I could hardly believe my eyes. We all had a good laugh.
Trying to break through the vicious circle of one”s behavior is not easy. This is especially the case if parts of it have gone through generations of one’s family and been shaped since one’s birth. It is my aim to do so. I have already broken through it but I want to keep aware of it and open to criticism. I want to watch myself so i will not make the same mistakes as my family.
In order to heal and develop independently, in order to trust in myself, in my skills and to find my very own way, I needed to step away from my family (the parts that are not healthy for me). It was and is very difficult because I know I had to hurt them in order to save myself but in the end it feels so much better. I am learning to accept and love myself for who I am. I am learning that people actually accept and love me the way I am. I am learning that I can receive help without having to show my endless gratitude.
I feel good and relaxed now. There is rarely any pressure and I am starting to trust life again. I am starting to loosen the reins a little and let life take over. It will show me the right way somehow.
I talked to my midwife about these thoughts the other day and she made me realize that I have already broken the vicious circle in many ways. When I realized that she was right I was so relieved because I am already on the right way. It is sometimes difficult to actually see the process on the way. Most of the times you just see it at the end when you look back. It gave me a lot of motivation to keep going. The best thing that has happened so far is that I can trust in my feelings again. My heart tells me exactly what is right and what is not. So far it has been the best choice to sometimes wait and listen inside of me for a couple of days and all of a sudden it would be clear to me what had been going on.
I hope I will keep the calm and strength when our little one is here. It will not be long anymore and then she is here turning our world upside down. I am excited, thrilled, afraid but most of all excited to see, feel, smell and get to know her.
Trust is very fragile. Is it broken once it can never fully be repaired.
Now what if you happen to experience that you cannot even trust your own family? You know they talk shit behind your back and even the one person you chose to trust in the end turns out to be untrustworthy. I can sing you a song about it as we say in German – several songs. I just saw better yet felt where this leads to. It breaks you apart. It makes you feel miserable. It makes you mistrust many people perhaps all people around you – sometimes more, sometimes less. You constantly question if it was right you told this person something personal. Even after months or years you question if it was the right person you trusted with your deepest emotions and secrets.
If you cannot trust your own family, how will you ever be able to trust the world around you? How will you be able to find trust in your life? I know I sound quite pessimistic right now because I am hurt. I am asking these questions because I want to make it better for my little one, for my own little family. I want them to be able to trust me. I want to find trust to save myself, my marriage, my sanity. It hinders you to move on in your life, to try new things, new ways.
I know I will find trust again, slowly but surely. I want to find it again. I want to find trust in myself and the people I love. Please, let me find it sooner rather than later.
My boyfriend asked me this morning how it feels like being pregnant. I said that it feels like having a nine months long birthday without knowing when the final surprise or gift will actually be given to you.
I have the huge luck to have been able to stay at home since July without the stress of having to work. I was able to reflect on many things regarding my life and its obstacles. There have been many but in the end they all made me the person I am and I am thankful for that. I am still learning a lot about myself. I also and of course think about how the little girl will be like. What it will feel like to have so much responsibility for a little person. It is frightening I have to admit. There are so many things that can happen throughout her and our life and in the end I can only support her with my love and by being there for her when she feels frightened or weak. I have to be the stable ground on which she is able to discover the world safely. And the ground has been far from stable for myself. But it is not only about me any longer. I have to come to terms with myself and be strong even if I feel weak.
The curious thing is that I am willing to take the whole package just because I already love this person so deeply. It is a totally different kind of love compared to what I have ever felt before. It is a deep and strong love without the question if this person loves me as much as I love her. Is this what unconditional love feels like?