Vicious Circle

Trying to break through the vicious circle of one”s behavior is not easy. This is especially the case if parts of it have gone through generations of one’s family and been shaped since one’s birth. It is my aim to do so. I have already broken through it but I want to keep aware of it and open to criticism. I want to watch myself so i will not make the same mistakes as my family.

In order to heal and develop independently, in order to trust in myself, in my skills and to find my very own way, I needed to step away from my family (the parts that are not healthy for me). It was and is very difficult because I know I had to hurt them in order to save myself but in the end it feels so much better. I am learning to accept and love myself for who I am. I am learning that people actually accept and love me the way I am. I am learning that I can receive help without having to show my endless gratitude.

I feel good and relaxed now. There is rarely any pressure and I am starting to trust life again. I am starting to loosen the reins a little and let life take over. It will show me the right way somehow.

I talked to my midwife about these thoughts the other day and she made me realize that I have already broken the vicious circle in many ways. When I realized that she was right I was so relieved because I am already on the right way. It is sometimes difficult to actually see the process on the way. Most of the times you just see it at the end when you look back. It gave me a lot of motivation to keep going. The best thing that has happened so far is that I can trust in my feelings again. My heart tells me exactly what is right and what is not. So far it has been the best choice to sometimes wait and listen inside of me for a couple of days and all of a sudden it would be clear to me what had been going on.

I hope I will keep the calm and strength when our little one is here. It will not be long anymore and then she is here turning our world upside down. I am excited, thrilled, afraid but most of all excited to see, feel, smell and get to know her.

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